“Why did you quit your job?”

Abby stopped. On the outside, she was a successful attorney with an enviable marriage.

On the inside, perfectionism, depression, and alcohol use quietly crippled her life. After an affair with a coworker, Abby lost her job. Her husband left, demanding she get some help before he’d consider reconciliation.

In addition to coming to see me for therapy, Abby returned to her former church and joined a women’s Bible study where she met the group leader–Susie. Susie asked what Abby did for work and Abby told her that she recently left her job. Susie then asked the question Abby knew was coming but couldn’t stop:

“Why did you quit your job?”

Abby didn’t know how to answer this simple question that inadvertently pierced such sensitive areas of her story. She felt pulled between honesty and safety.

But navigating conversations with authenticity doesn’t require full transparency, and healthy vulnerability doesn’t mean sacrificing safety or honesty.

We can see from Jesus’s interactions with others that he didn’t tell everything to everyone.

Instead, healthy vulnerability means giving the right information to the right person at the right time.

What Abby learned in therapy was that she did not have to give the full story to someone who had not yet earned her trust. So, Abby and I worked on things she could say that were still honest and yet also protective. We did this by identifying her levels of trust.

The Levels

Imagine a filing cabinet that holds every part of your story in three drawers. The lower the drawer, the more sensitive the information it holds, with the lowest drawer holding your most personal details.

Your closest friends and/or family–those who have earned your deepest trust–have access to the lowest drawer. These are your Level Three people.

Drawer number two is for growing or casual friendships–your Level Two people. The top drawer is for people who you might have occasional contact with, such as coworkers, people at church, or friendly neighbors. These are your Level One people.

Everyone else is denied access to the drawers. They see the plant you’ve set atop the filing cabinet, such as your social media profile picture and a casual wave as you pass by. They only know what you choose to display publicly. They are your Level Zero people.

Notice that people can move between levels. If someone at Level Two gains your trust as you get to know them, you might reveal something vulnerable and see how they handle it, which gives them the opportunity to earn their way into Level Three. Do they respond with compassion when you confess something? Do they offer information at the same depth?

Conversely, someone at Level Two might break your trust, causing you to push them back into Level One (or above the surface into Level Zero, if they were especially harmful).

Abby’s Answers

Abby’s situation involved a handful of new relationships that didn’t have the time yet to develop real trust. She knew more people would ask about her life, perhaps wondering why she started attending Bible study or if she was married–all seemingly innocent questions from people who didn’t know the pain of her story. We helped her come up with some answers based on who the person was that asked the question and how much trust they had earned with Abby.

Level Three–Full transparency

Abby had already given a Level Three answer to her best friend before she came to see me: “I’ve been drinking and I had an affair, and now I’ve lost my job. I need some help!” Her friend helped her seek both addiction counseling and individual therapy, thus landing her in my office. Most people don’t need help with Level Three answers because this is the answer they assume they are supposed to give.

Level Two–Selective Content

Abby was close with her uncle and recognized that he had Level Two access. She told him, “I’m struggling with some life stuff, and it impacted my work.” To another Level Two person, she said, “I’m having some personal problems and it was time for me to leave.”

Level One–General Content

Abby didn’t have enough history with her new Bible study leader to know if she was trustworthy (she certainly hoped so!), so she gave her Level One access. “I’m dealing with some things and need to focus on some healing right now.” She also chose, “I have some personal stuff that needs to be addressed” for others in the group who might ask similar questions. Abby knew that they might eventually earn her deeper trust, but for now, she needed to stick with the answer that fit their position in her life.

Level Zero–Public Information

We both laughed when she picked her Level Zero answer: “Sometimes things just don’t work out.” That was certainly true!

All of the above statements are true.

Only those answers at Level Three involve full transparency.

Next Steps

Sometimes answers need to be repeated if the person asking is especially pushy. It’s not rude to repeat yourself–on the contrary, it is rude for someone to keep asking personal questions when they haven’t earned that access.

Abby learned that honesty doesn’t require full disclosure to anyone who asks. Instead, healthy vulnerability carefully stewards your story, giving people access as they earn your trust.

Stay tuned for next month’s newsletter, where we’ll work through a great tool to help assess your own people and your drawers of trust.

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“Be Real!”

“Live Authentically!”

“Confess your sins!”

“Share your burdens!”

If you’ve ever been deeply hurt by judgmental, manipulative, or demanding people, sharing your authentic self can feel unsafe. You wonder whether someone is trustworthy, or whether they’ll use your vulnerability against you.

You may feel compelled to answer every question honestly and directly, even when you don’t want to.

• “Why did you do that?”

• “What were you thinking?”

Both secular and Christian environments encourage authenticity, but if you’ve experienced harmful relationships, authenticity feels scary.

I have one friend who hates any form of speaking up in public settings, saying it makes her want to throw up. Her history of being judged unfairly by others causes her to avoid sharing about herself. And when she does find the courage to speak, she immediately questions herself.

She calls it a vulnerability hangover.

Some questions are quite direct, feeling like there are no ways around them:

• “Are you depressed?”

• “Why are you always so anxious?”

• “Why would you choose ketchup over mustard?”

For some of us, even harmless questions trigger a stress response. We feel compelled to explain ourselves even when no explanation is owed.

And some people don’t let you walk away. They push, pry, accuse and demean until giving in feels easier than pushing back. Under pressure, we overshare--giving more than we intended and wishing we could take it back.

So what should we do?

Instead of jumping in too quickly or holding back entirely, we can learn ways to practice a healthy balance of vulnerability and privacy.

People who earn our trust gain access to parts of us that others do not.

Intimacy and trust are earned privileges, not assumed rights.

Is this selective?

Yes.

Health vulnerability isn’t about secrecy or dishonesty, it’s about wisdom.

Is this biblical?

Yes.

Even Jesus had an inner circle, and not everyone was in his inner circle.

His deepest intimacy was with the Father, and his deepest human layer of trust included Peter, James, and John, three of his earliest disciples. Beyond them were the rest of the twelve apostles. This was Jesus’s inner circle. Outside of this crew, Jesus trusted 72 disciples to minister on his behalf and he had thousands of followers. Jesus generally kept the Pharisees and teachers of the law at a distance due to their hardened hearts.

Jesus didn’t change, but he did limit access based on trust. He was always fully authentic, even when he set boundaries.

Why is all of this important?

Because watching how Jesus interacts with his community gives us hints at how we can engage with our own community.

We don’t have to choose between vulnerability and hiding. Healthy relationships are built one layer of trust at a time.

Stay tuned for next month’s post about healthy vulnerability, unhealthy vulnerability, and how to manage your relationships in real and practical ways. Before we get there, let’s consider some ways we’ve been challenged to be vulnerable when we weren’t comfortable doing so:

What kinds of questions do you find too personal to answer?

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“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.” –Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We’re all dependent upon other human beings for our well-being. We need physical and emotional support throughout life, and our brains and bodies are designed to thrive in relationships. When we struggle, we need others to step in and help.

But can we rely on others too much?

Habitually relying on others as the only way to regulate your nervous system is the foundation of codependency. It requires others or circumstances to improve before you can feel better. Instead of taking responsibility for your own emotions–your “daily load” (Gal 6:5), codependency relies on others to care for things that are yours to carry.

Codependency says, “You are responsible for my emotions.”

Can we rely on others too little?

The tendency to rely on others too little can be called over-independent.

Yes, my fellow Westerners, it is possible to be too independent!

This extreme of independence pushes others away in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. It ignores Biblical admonitions to “bear each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2), to sharpen one another (Prov. 27:17), and to “spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together...encouraging one another” (Heb. 10:24-25).

All things we cannot do on our own.

Over-independence says, “I don’t need anyone else.”

Healthy Village People

Healthy relationships live in the space between codependency and over-independence. We are neither meant to carry burdens alone nor expect others to pick up our daily tasks.

When we have a foundation of healthy relationships, we are able to say:

I need God and he created me to need people.

I need others to encourage me and to tell me when I’m wrong.

I can regulate my own nervous system when others are not regulated (because I have others in my life that are regulated that I can turn to).

My emotions and reactions are my responsibility--and yours are yours.

I know when to stay and when to walk away…and when to come back.

I can feel calm both alone and in the presence of others.

When your nervous system is upset, mine is upset too, but I’m able to bring mine back to calm even if you cannot.

Build your village.

Start with one person who is emotionally safe. Take time to build trust. Add more people to the process.

Attend therapy to learn some helpful relationship skills that are tailored to you. You can also learn how to take responsibility for your own emotions and reactions.

Contribute. Be there for others.

Rely. Allow others to be there for you.

Healthy village people balance giving and receiving.

Be a good village member.

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Hello readers,

It’s finally here! Jesus for the Anxious is now available at all major book retailers. I can’t wait for you to have this collection of tools in your hands. I’ve had some great interviews with podcasters and media hosts about anxiety and faith, but my recent conversation with Angela Madden at Unscripted Faith was especially fun!

In addition, three different companies have signed contracts with Baker to have Jesus for the Anxious translated into Chinese, Portuguese, and Spanish. That means even more people will have access to tools for finding peace and overcoming anxiety!

I’ve created three FREE resources to support your journey. See this hidden page on my website to get PDFs of Breath Prayers, a Group Study Guide, and Journaling Pages--all aligning with the 8-week journey of the book.

Now for the synopsis:

Less anxiety. More peace. It is possible.

Do you tend to overthink the simple things? Does relational conflict cause worry—or even unnecessary guilt? Do you have difficulty controlling your thoughts or relaxing your body? When you have anxiety, symptoms like these can dominate your days and prevent you from enjoying life. And knowing the Bible says “Don’t be anxious” makes you feel worse—as if you can just turn it off!

Licensed Christian counselor (and reformed worrier) Melissa Fisher is here to tell you that managing your anxiety shouldn’t cause you more anxiety. In this 8-week interactive journey toward lasting inner peace, Melissa integrates Scripture, neuroscience, and psychology into a practical, easy-to-use approach. She teaches you coping and relationship skills that you can put into practice today and keep in your toolbox for the future.

With helpful therapy techniques, honest meditative prayers, and hopeful daily readings, you will learn to overcome your anxiety one day at a time. And you’ll draw closer to the One who calms the storms—even the ones raging inside you.

So grab your copy and a pen and let’s get started!

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Empathy and compassion require more energy than giving advice.

They require us to slow down, to avoid our compulsion to fix, and to sit in the discomfort of someone’s pain.

Many of us find it difficult to offer empathy and compassion toward others. In order to do so, we have to surrender to things we cannot control, to consideration of another person’s perspective, and to a process that might take longer than we have scheduled on our calendars.

And when we lack compassion, we often give emotional advice that leans towards platitudes and dismissive comments. We claim, “I don’t sugarcoat things” and “I’m just being honest” and “I don’t want to validate bad behavior”—but these all misunderstand empathy and compassion.

True empathy isn’t agreeing with someone’s position; it’s acknowledging that their emotions are real even if you disagree with why they feel that way.

True compassion isn’t sugarcoating circumstances; it’s acknowledging that life is difficult.

Empathetic and compassionate responses calm the listener’s nervous system, which in turn increases their ability to process and make better decisions.

When faced with another person’s negative circumstances and emotions, let’s try something different: Pause, take a deep breath, and listen. Let’s reflect back their emotion and the content around their emotions, showing them that we see their pain.

Because there is something deeply and spiritually powerful about someone else seeing and acknowledging our pain. And eventually, when we feel seen and heard, our spirit settles into a peace that propels us to make healthy changes in our lives.

As one of my former supervisors used to say, “people don’t change until they feel accepted exactly where they are.”

Here are some suggestions for changing dismissiveness into compassion while speaking with someone who is struggling with anxiety:

Just stop worrying —> I’m sorry things are so difficult right now

You need to pray more —> I’m sure you’ve prayed a lot over this, I’ll join you

Just take a breath —> Would it be helpful for me to breathe with you?

There’s nothing to be anxious about —> I bet you wish it could just go away. Would you like me to sit with you?

Anxiety is a sin —> Emotions are real, and they are difficult

Why do you feel this way? —> It sounds like things are really overwhelming right now, and that’s hard. Can you tell me more?

You need more faith —> I wish faith in God took away all our earthly problems. I’m with you. It could be worse —> Let’s find some help.

What do you need? —> Let’s take some deep breaths together and talk this through.

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Lately, that’s been the case. There’s a lot happening across several areas of life and it feels like I’m being pushed out of every safe haven. Nothing feels familiar and I don’t like it.

But to trust God is to move past the comfort of familiarity and into the unknown. If we only look for him in the familiar words or circumstances of the past, we give Satan a foothold to stymie our growth. We get stuck. We miss seeing a God bigger than the words, people, or circumstances we’ve come to rely on.

To stay in familiarity, we might:

• Stay in a ministry out of duty or loyalty, rather than calling—preventing someone else’s potential blessing of service and our own personal growth that naturally comes from changing directions

• Confine ourselves to a comfortable community, rather than seeking new faces—missing growth that comes from new perspectives

• Guard our time and space too tightly—avoiding interruptions that provide opportunities for us to love others well

Some of us approach discomfort and immediately U-turn back to our places that are safe. We are comfort-boomerangs. We refuse to experience anything unfamiliar. Sometimes, we refuse to acknowledge that life exists beyond our own experiences.

We unconsciously send the message: God, you’ve been able to do great things without interrupting my life before. Surely you can do it again. Please don’t make me uncomfortable.

But isn’t that the point?

And isn’t that the cost of following him?

Sometimes, God’s calling is so strong and so profound that we can’t ignore his voice. And often his voice calls us into unfamiliar spaces that challenge our faith so that we can grow. He brings storms to strengthen our roots, wind to strengthen our branches, and fruit to share with others.

That’s where I find myself now—in unfamiliar and uncomfortable spaces that interrupt my calendar, my space, and my comfort. I was recently reminded of the importance of endurance. I can’t see the fruit yet, but I trust that he is working for me and through me. He is challenging me to grow and using me to help others. I’m having to endure, to push through, to sit in discomfort, to offer grace, to admit wrong, to reassess my motives and my heart, and to go to him in prayer more often than I usually do.

And it’s worth it.

Because to fall to the fate of familiarity would mean to miss out on the growth and blessings that can only come through the discomfort of endurance.

And one day, in each of the areas currently filled with discomfort and unfamiliarity, I’ll be able to see the fruit of endurance—healing, purpose, and growth.

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You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right not to answer a question if it demands an answer too personal or unnecessary for the situation.

You have the right to speak.

It might not change the other person, but sometimes things need to be said. If someone hurts you, you have the right to tell them, “That was rude,” or “That was unnecessary.” Speak up when someone is hurtful, even if it’s simply to be honest.

You have the right to change your mind.

We would never grow if we didn’t change our minds. Imagine if we still had the same opinions about life that we did at age 13, or age 8, or age 5! Changing our minds is vital to emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth. We need the freedom to explore, to get things wrong, and to move in new directions.

You have the right to walk away.

Jesus walked away from unnecessary comments and questions. One example of this comes from the eighth chapter of Mark:

11 The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. 12 He sighed deeply and said, “Why does this generation ask for a sign? Truly I tell you, no sign will be given to it.” 13 Then he left them, got back into the boat and crossed to the other side. (New International Version)

Sometimes, the appropriate answer is no answer at all.

You have the right to come back.

Sometimes we need space. Sometimes they need a little space. Most relationships are worth saving. Very rarely does a relationship need to be dropped entirely. After a rupture, do the hard work of returning to the person with the intent of repairing the rupture. Seek wise counsel if you need help repairing relationships.

You have these rights--but framing them as “rights” can harden us. Instead, let’s frame them as options. This reminds us that even when we have the right, we can choose whether or not to use that right.

You have options.

You have the option to remain silent.

You have the option to speak.

To change your mind.

To walk away.

To come back.

Learn who to trust and slowly allow them into your space. Find someone with the potential for friendship, and offer a small, slightly vulnerable piece of yourself. Watch how they handle this.

Do they reciprocate with similar vulnerability?

Take some time with this process, moving back and forth at the same depth. If they prove to be trustworthy and you want to deepen the friendship, offer something a little more vulnerable. Repeat the process of watching how they handle it and giving them space to reciprocate.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” (Matthew 7:6, NIV)

Your vulnerable truths are your pearls. Handle their pearls with just as much care as you want them to handle yours. And remember:

They have options too.

They have the option to remain silent.

They have the option to speak.

To change their mind.

To walk away.

To come back.

Healthy relationship advice doesn’t promote narcissism or ghosting. It teaches the full picture of autonomy-- that all people are created in the image of God. And while we should set boundaries with those who don’t naturally respect them, we also loosen boundaries in relationships that have the potential to grow.

To learn more about when to speak, what to say, and how to say it, check out Week 7 in Jesus for the Anxious.

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Sometimes a person comes to me with a problem, but then we end up going in circles. I try and try to help, but over and over they push back. Why does this happen? Why can’t they accept what I have to offer?

My compulsion to fix the problem blinds me from seeing the person sitting in front of me, looking at me, desperate for connection. My compulsion to fix the problem causes them to react with hurt rather than gratitude, which confuses me and causes my own defensiveness. But the propensity to fix the problem often has unseen and unintended consequences.

If I fix the problem first, I miss seeing the person.

My struggle to “mourn with those who mourn” and “rejoice with those who rejoice” comes from my own lack of self-awareness, lack of others awareness, and lack of ability to see people through God’s eyes (as opposed to my unyielding lens). It comes from my compulsion to control the things around me, the circumstances around me, and the people around me.

And in trying to control all of this, I inadvertently push people away.

Instead, I need to start with myself.

I need to start with my anxiety that arises when circumstances are uncomfortable. I need to ask God to reveal the things beneath the surface of my anxiety and anger. I need to recognize that what Jesus wants to give me most is his presence, more than his demands. And what he wants most from me is relationship, not behavior modification. When I allow him into these inner spaces, he affirms my worth through his words rather than what I do. This healing reduces my anxiety and anger and washes away my need to control things and people around me. 

Inner healing allows me to surface with new perspectives.

And when these new perspectives loosen my grip of control, it inadvertently draws people to me.

And as I continue to let go of control and lean into God-awareness and self-awareness, it leads to others-awareness. And I see them through God’s eyes and I mourn when they mourn and I rejoice when they rejoice. Instead of fixing the problem, I sit with them in the problem, connecting with them, seeing them.

When I see the person instead of the problem,

they stay long after the problem is solved.

My compulsion to fix fades to compassion. And over time, some problems are fixed, some are not, but I’m still in a relationship with the people God put in my path.

Because what’s the point in fixing things if you’re all alone when you’re done?

***

Struggling to see the person in front of you? Try these helpful tips:

When someone is talking about their problems, seek to understand what they are really saying. Reflect back what you are hearing, without your own thoughts. Ask them how they feel about it without telling them how you feel about it.

***

Want more? I discuss the connections between self-awareness, God-awareness, and others-awareness in Part II of my book, Jesus for the Anxious.

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“If I have anxiety, doesn’t it mean I don’t have enough faith?”

It always breaks my heart to hear this question. I’ve heard it in other forms, such as:

“Does my doubt mean I don’t trust God?”

“How can I be a Christian and struggle with anxiety?”

“Is anxiety a sin?”

Look closely, and you’ll see that each one of these questions comes from shame.

Shame about anxiety.

Shame about fear.

Shame about doubt.

Shame Traps Us

Shame about emotions is one of Satan’s greatest tools in keeping Christians stuck in both spiritual and emotional deficits. If you have shame, your propensity is to hide the issue versus dealing with the issue. Hiding keeps you from facing things that might otherwise help you grow closer to God. Satan loves to use shame because he knows it stymies our spiritual and emotional growth.

But if we move through the shame, we open ourselves up to healing and change and growth. And the irony is, shame was never meant to be a response to emotions. It was designed as an emotional response to sin.

Emotions Aren’t Sin

Sins are listed in the Bible as things we do–things we can willfully control. I might not be able to control feeling angry when someone wrongfully accuses me of something, but I can control how I respond in that anger. Also, there are things I can do to mitigate future anger, so it doesn’t become problematic. Anger isn’t the problem: What I do in and about it can be the problem.

The same is true for sadness, disappointment, and anxiety. Your emotions aren’t always healthy and can certainly become problematic, but they are never defined as sin in the Bible. Instead, they are responses to things happening around you and inside you. In other words, if you want to change your emotions, you need to change the things around you and inside you. Some of those things we can control, others we cannot.

Faith and Anxiety Come Together

Instead of pushing away my anxiety for fear it will mar my faith, I can hold space for these two seemingly opposing things. It’s a space where anxiety and peace sit together at the table. It’s a space where I can sense everything is unstable, chaotic, uncertain, and in the same moment I choose to say to God, “Yours is the glory. Yours is the power. Yours is my life.” I don’t feel it. I don’t understand it. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with it. I just know I’m supposed to acknowledge it. And my acknowledgement is my act of faith.

Despite what shame tells me, my faith is real because I’m willing to “ascribe to the LORD glory and strength” even when I can’t see his glory or his strength. Over and over I do this, and little by little my heart and my emotions catch up to my faith. Sometimes, they line up. But they are never defined by each other.

Real faith isn’t the absence of fear and anxiety: It’s moving forward despite the fear and anxiety

Want more?

I address concerns about faith and anxiety–and more–in Week One of my book, Jesus for the Anxious. Preorder today and you’ll receive this amazing 8-week guide that dispels myths, teaches truth, and provides practical tools toward overcoming anxiety.

Preorder here

Jesus for the Anxious is available for preorder!

I truly shrieked out loud when my marketing agent sent me the link. We’re almost to the finish line!

Also, I love this cover. The design team and I worked on several variations, and I feel it conveys the practical and straightforward nature of the book, with calming colors, inviting you to flip to the back cover and read the following:

“Do you tend to overthink the simple things? Does relational conflict cause worry--or even unnecessary guilt? Do you have difficulty controlling your thoughts or relaxing your body? When you have anxiety, symptoms like these can dominate your days and prevent you from enjoying life. And knowing the Bible says “Don’t be anxious” makes you feel worse--as if you can just turn it off!

Licensed Christian counselor (and reformed worrier) Melissa Fisher is here to tell you that managing your anxiety shouldn’t cause you more anxiety. In this 8-week interactive journey toward lasting inner peace, Melissa integrates Scripture, neuroscience, and psychology into a practical, easy-to-use approach. She teaches you coping and relationship skills that you can put into practice today and keep in your toolbox for the future.

With helpful therapy techniques, honest meditative prayers, and hopeful daily readings, you will learn to overcome your anxiety one day at a time. And you’ll draw closer to the One who calms the storms--even the ones raging inside you.”

I can’t wait for you to have this resource in your hands. Four years in the making, Jesus for the Anxious is ready for its launch, and my deepest hope is that it helps people to overcome anxiety and grow closer to Jesus. Keep an eye out in future newsletters for an opportunity to get a sneak preview of the book!

Available May 12, 2026

Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group

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The Great Dark settled onto the Pacific Northwest in mid-November, permitting the reprieve of sunlight for what seems like only a few hours each day. I’m being dramatic, but having spent so many years in the southwest it’s a bit unnerving to step outside my office at 5pm and remember that I missed the day’s allowance of sun. The bright streetlights illuminating the cars only accentuate the darkness beyond their reach. On these evenings, I drive home and strap on an LED lighted vest, hang a green glow ring around my dog’s neck, and hit the sidewalk with quick steps and foggy breaths.

While I fight the darkness this time of year, others fight depression, disappointment, grief, or chaos. Regardless of what your winter season looks like, we can all benefit from a two-minute practice that centers us on Jesus through the use of breath prayers. Advent is technically the weeks leading up to Christmas (starting on November 30 this year), but I made a full December calendar. Print this or save it in an accessible place to use each morning and night.

How to practice deep breathing:

Inhale for 4 seconds, allowing air into the deepest part of your belly (if your chest moves, that’s fine, but try to put the air deeper into your belly with each breath). Hold for 4 seconds, then exhale slowly (for about 8 seconds) through pursed lips, pushing every last bit of air from the belly.

Repeat for 8 full breath cycles (inhale-hold-exhale).

These breath prayers are reworded from Scripture. Feel free to click on the image and print for your personal use.

I’ll be back next month with more conversations about mental health, and a special announcement about my upcoming book release!

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If you’ve ever known a woman who has experienced sexual trauma or coercion, even if she doesn’t recognize it as sexual trauma, this book is for her.

Tabitha Westbrook takes a delicate--yet honest--approach as she puts words to experiences that many find unspeakable in her new book, Body & Soul, Healed & Whole. Through transparency, honesty and research, she gives clear definitions for those who struggle to put define their experiences, yet leaves space for survivors to recognize their own unique stories. In the end, readers walk away with better clarity and practical help for becoming whole after sexual trauma.

I recently had the opportunity to interview Tabitha about her book, and here is what she had to say:

Melissa: “I’m so grateful you wrote this book, thank you! What was your inspiration for writing it?”

Tabitha: “Thank you so, so much! My inspiration was both my own experiences of harm and healing and seeing women heal as part of my practice and ministry work. Then, the first time I taught on this topic I saw the deep impact it made on the women. So many said they didn’t have words for their experiences and I knew we needed more language around this and space for stories in the Church.”

Melissa: “You address the negative impacts of Purity Culture. As an Gen-Xer myself, I remember feeling these same pressures to ‘not tempt the boys.’ Are you seeing a shift in Christian circles away from Purity Culture teachings?”

Tabitha: “I am! It is still way too embedded in our culture. Thankfully, I’m seeing more and more wonderful voices talking about true intimacy versus “lustful men” and “gatekeeper women.” I think there is still much work to do to change the narrative; however, I am so happy to see a shift. I think purity culture started with good intentions and became what I call the “pharisaical fallacy” - much like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day rules were added and restrictions and then became a weapon. I’m happy to see the deweaponization of intimacy.”

Melissa: “What do you hope readers walk away with when they finish this book?”

Tabitha: “I truly hope they feel hopeful and have a path toward healing. It’s a conversation we’ve needed in the Church a long time. I also hope it gives pastors, elders, and leaders language to help the women that they serve.”

Melissa: “Is there anything else you want people to know if they are on the fence about reading this?”

Tabitha: “The book is invitational and tender. I’m not “take-two-verses-and-call-me-in-the-morning” so there is no spiritual bypassing or minimizing harm done. Additionally, there are embodied exercises to help ground and settle and heal throughout the book. It’s meant to be very gentle, though it is also direct. The feedback I’ve continually gotten is that it feels gentle and that it’s giving women words for their experiences. For many it’s been life-giving and freeing. Also, you can always pick it up and start reading and step away if you need to! I truly hope many will read it and find healing! And if folks are thinking, “I can’t imagine healing here. It’s so broken!” I want to let you know, God loves you and He desires to heal you. It’s not just that He can - He also wants to!”

As you can see, she is passionate about this topic! I hope you have the chance to read this yourself or recommend it to a friend or loved one. With help, they can find healing of both body and soul.

Purchase Body & Soul, Healed & Whole on Amazon here.

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Warning: This article contains details about sexual trauma that may not be appropriate for some readers. Caution recommended.

Shelia’s* Story

“Trauma? Like PTSD? But I haven’t been to war. I haven’t even seen someone die. How can I have PTSD?” Shelia sat on my couch, hands clenched on her thighs. Her right foot tapped her left foot in unrhythmic jolts.

“Yes, your symptoms are trauma symptoms.”

“Like what?”

“All of the things you just mentioned. You experienced a sexual assault, after which you started feeling intense guilt, jumpiness whenever someone touches you–even gently, flashbacks, anxiety, fear, avoidance of returning to that location, fears of seeing the person who did this to you, not to mention you broke up with your boyfriend and dropped out of school—things that you said were out of character for you.”

Shelia stared at the floor. “I just froze.”

“When he assaulted you?”

“Yes. I couldn’t move. I could have stopped it but I couldn’t move.” Her eyes darted back and forth and the foot tapping increased in speed.

“That’s called a freeze response. It’s when your body moves so far into a trauma response that it bypasses fight or flight and goes into the most protective mode called freeze. And it does that when your brain senses danger so intense that it feels it cannot handle it.”

“But what if I wanted it? Maybe I did and I don’t remember. Maybe I wanted it and it’s all my fault.”

“Did he have sex with you?” Shelia paused, looking away.

“Yes.”

“Did you give him permission?”

“No.” Her eyes looked into mine. “He threw me on the bed. I couldn’t speak. I was so scared.” Tears fell from both cheeks.

“You’re here, and you’re safe now.” I paused, giving her a moment to process. She finally nodded.

“What do I do now?”

“That’s a great question, and you’ve actually already taken the first step. Let’s talk about some ways to process this and give you coping skills for the day-to-day emotions…”

Trauma is a complex topic, and although we can’t cover all of it in one article, we can begin the conversation. While many people associate posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) with war combat, it has many variations.

The Trauma Response

On a neurobiological level, a trauma response is the activation of the nervous system into fight or flight (or freeze, as we read above), in order to protect the brain and body. This activation has significant effects on the autonomic nervous system. If the body is activated into fight or flight, the sympathetic nervous system triggers physiological responses that cause dry mouth, reduced activity in the digestive system, and increased heart rate—among many other reactions. It also suppresses the immune system because it needs that energy to protect, rather than heal. In addition, blood vessels in the extremities are constricted to keep blood in the body’s core: If the human body is threatened, it can live without a limb, but it can’t live without a brain or torso! So, the blood supply is focused on these more important places for survival.

If the body goes into freeze mode, these responses include shutting down the mental responses (among other physiological responses) because the information is simply too much.

In other words, think of a trauma response as a highly-activated distress response. You can respond with distress while driving on fast freeways, but a normal commute shouldn’t send you into distress. A car cutting you off on the highway should activate your nervous system with moderate distress, but it shouldn’t send you into long-term fight or flight. But if the car that cut you off ends up slamming the brakes and causes a serious accident with your vehicle, you will likely have so much distress that it becomes a fight, flight or freeze trauma response–before you even know what is happening.

Big “T” Trauma

Big “T” Trauma is one way of referencing a PTSD-level event. These events, as per DSM-5 definition, require exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in any of the following ways:

• Direct experience

• Witnessing it occur to others

• Learning a violent or accidental death has occurred to a loved one.

• Learning that serious injury or sexual violence has occurred to a loved one.

• Repeated or extreme exposure to aversive traumatic details (e.g. first responders, etc.)

Note that none of these criteria mention war combat (although it certainly falls under a few of them). Also, a PTSD diagnosis requires many additional criteria, such as intrusive memories (flashbacks, dreams), avoidance of reminders of the event, mood changes, and hypervigilance. There are other trauma-related diagnoses that are often used when a person does not meet full criteria for PTSD.

But the concept of trauma is much bigger than diagnostic criteria.

Little “t” traumas

Trauma can stem from years of a chronically activated nervous system, even if none of the triggering events meet criteria for PTSD. Therapists call such events little “t” traumas. They can include years of living with a parent with anger issues that frequently became verbally aggressive, growing up as a parentified child, or moving and switching caregivers frequently. These types of repeated experiences create unhealthy attachment issues and a chronically activated nervous system that continues into adulthood.

Sexual Trauma

Sexual trauma comes with its own set of unique experiences that make it especially difficult to overcome. The level of violation that a person feels after sexual coercion or trauma extends beyond their flesh, causing wounds and dysfunction deep into their sense of self and safety. This part of them is forever changed, and recovery can be a difficult process due to the intimate nature of their wounds and memories.

Healing Trauma

No trauma is beyond the reach of God’s healing hands. Shelia and I used a combination of EMDR and attachment-based, insight-oriented therapy to process her trauma. At first, she had to use a lot of coping skills outside of our time in therapy. Eventually, her nervous system returned to normal levels of functioning, and she was able to return to school and ma

ke healthier choices about her relationships.

We’ve barely scratched the surface of this Big “T” Topic. If you’ve never worked through your little “t” traumas” or your Big “T” Trauma(s), I encourage you to take the bold step of reaching out to a trained trauma therapist. You’ll not only improve your emotional health, but you’ll see benefits in your relationships and overall sense of safety and self-worth.

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*fictional client, plausible story

The moment we think we’ve mastered the Christian walk, we’ve lost our footing. Each of us carries the propensity to turn from God–even after he’s purchased us with the blood of Jesus. All we need is a quick look at Saul’s pride, Peter’s denial, and that period of time I refused to deal with my anger and it turned to bitterness–despite God’s warnings.

Our humanity makes us prone to wander.

We wrestle with this truth because we want to believe that salvation erases our humanity. But salvation doesn’t remove my humanity–it redeems me from the sin within it.

This reconciliation creates tension between my identity in Christ and my human nature. As a Christian, when my actions do not align with the Spirit of God, they have greater consequences. The consequences may not jeopardize my salvation, but they do impact my spiritual peace, relationships, mental health, and my ability to spread the gospel of good news.

Complacency Sneaks In

Christians revert to previous fleshly habits like teeth revert to previous crooked places. Braces slowly correct teeth through painful, corrective measures, but without a retainer, the teeth shift back. The retainer is the guide to keep them straight.

Likewise, without ongoing connection and correction with God, I quickly slide back to my previous crooked places. Even years into my journey with Jesus, I can begin to drift if I become complacent.

A Quick Self-Check

Look for areas where complacency has weaseled its way in by considering the following questions:

• Has your prayer time slowly decreased?

• Has your worship become mechanical?

• Are you taking time to meditate with God?

• Are you ignoring connection, correction or both?

Complacency is a quiet slide toward crooked places. Spiritual disciplines such as prayer, worship, meditation, confession, silence and solitude (among many others) are designed to keep us from this drift. They aren’t sufficient to gain salvation–only faith in Jesus can do that. Instead, the disciplines are provided as ways to stay connected to God after salvation.

The Solution

Pick one area that needs some attention and redirect your focus on God through a spiritual discipline that help you correct this.

• Increase prayer where you’ve been avoiding it.

• Practice confession where there is sin.

• Focus on God in worship if you’ve been distracted.

• Talk to God if you’ve been avoiding him.

• Practice silence and solitude if you’ve been in too much community–or engage in community if you’ve been too isolated.

Remember, spiritual disciplines are never the goal–they are channels designed to connect us to Jesus. Also, God doesn’t expect us to correct everything at once. He knows our growth is a process that takes time.

Today, consider one way you can connect with God–one practice that moves you away from complacency and toward His purpose.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-24 NIV

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

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The Unhindered Life

Last month, I discussed how childhood experiences impact adult lives. During those early years, the brain’s rapid development greatly influences how we think and feel about the world around us. But even though brain development slows over time, it never stops. Not at age 8, or 18…or even 58. Every life experience creates permanent change in the brain.

This is mildly bad news because it means that adult experiences can have negative effects on our mental health.

It’s also exceptionally good news. It means that, as adults, we can change how we think, act and relate in ways that improve our mental health–even for those with painful or traumatic childhoods.

This is one of the core messages described in the book Unhindered by Dr. Charity Byers and Dr. John Walker.¹ Childhood and adult experiences can create what they call “Sore Spots.”

I recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Byers, CEO and psychologist for Blessings Ranch–an intensive counseling retreat for Christian ministry leaders. Unhindered launched from their years of sitting with clients and discovering what it looks like for transformation to happen. Here's what she had to say:

Melissa: “How do you see Sore Spots interfere in clients’ lives?”

Dr. Byers: “When pain goes unhealed, it’s going to influence us more than we realize. We can develop disproportionate emotional responses, which can look like numbing or overreacting. To identify where Sore Spots are interfering, we can pay attention to feelings and reactions that are too big or too small.”

Melissa: “Issues with personal character is listed as one of the possible ‘Undesired Life Outcomes’ that appear from our Sore Spots. How do you see this appear in clients’ lives?”

Dr. Byers: “Character often goes unconsidered and forgotten. We justify, ‘this is just who I am.’ Yet, our character is often being hindered by pain we haven’t healed. For example, unhealed shame can hinder integrity by convincing us to hide or lie about things we are ashamed of. You’re not stuck there. Here’s the good news: Character can change. It’s not as static as it feels.”

Melissa: “What do you hope readers will walk away with after reading your book?”

Dr. Byers: “Three things:

1. Curiosity of self- Look below the surface and wonder why you do what you do.

2. Insight- Find language to name what God is inviting you to heal or learn.

3. Hope- See a pathway forward from where you feel stuck.”²

Take some time today to think of your sore spots and what causes you to go numb or overreact. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Where are my feelings too big or too small?

• What buttons feel easily pushed by others?

• When do my reactions not quite fit the situation?

Use these insights to dig under the surface and consider hurt areas of the heart that continue to influence your everyday living.

Then, through the use of prayer, friendship, therapy, or a resource such as Unhindered, begin the healing process by working through those hurts. Instead of living from anger or anxiety, you can learn to live with freedom and peace.

Unhindered provides a clearly defined path toward emotional and spiritual healing. Pick up a copy on Amazon–it may be just the tool you need to move from past hurts and toward an unhindered life.

¹Charity Byers, Ph. D. and John Walker, Ph. D., Unhindered (Avail, 2020).

²Interview with Dr. Charity Byers, July 31, 2025

BOOK GIVEAWAY!

As a gift to my subscribers, I’m giving away one free copy of Unhindered! If you would like to be entered into the drawing, please do the following:

1) Subscribe to my substack or my website before September 20th.

2) Send me an email at melissafishercounseling@gmail.com and let me know you'd like to be entered into the drawing for Unhindered.

That’s it! Thanks for reading!

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Everyone experiences life differently. Two people can walk into the same event and away with completely different interpretations. These interpretations–our personal “lenses”–are shaped by relational, experiential and biological factors.

One of the most powerful influences on your lenses is your childhood.

Childhood matters

During the prenatal and early childhood periods, the brain is developing at rapid speed. The prefrontal cortex–the area responsible for rational thought and decision making–reaches its peak synapse formation around age 4.¹ By the time a child reaches 18, her prefrontal cortex only develops neurons at about half the rate as it did at age 4.

Neural pathways are developed through repeated experiences, but significantly emotional experiences only need one or two events for those pathways to be created. Because brain development happens at such rapid speed during the younger years, neuron pathways created during this time become quickly and deeply ingrained.

Why does this matter?

Because neural pathways–largely based on experience–create a person’s belief system about themselves and others. And because these beliefs tell a person how to interpret the world around them. That means two people can have the exact same experience but walk away with very different emotions and interpretations of that experience.

It means that childhood matters.

Your Bank of Beliefs

Imagine your brain as a “Bank of Beliefs,” where each account represents a belief about yourself, others, or even God. Each life experience makes a deposit into one or more accounts, such as “I am loved,” “I am worthless,” “Others are safe,” or “Others are not safe.” There are many accounts named with many different beliefs.

The balances in Belief Accounts matter. The higher the balance, the more influence that account has on how a person navigates life. And remember, the accounts gain deposits through experience, rather than knowledge. These experiences create real synapses that encode real neuron pathways into the brain.

In addition, the more painful the experience is, the more powerful it is. One painful experience makes a much larger deposit into the negative-belief account than a positive experience puts into a positive-belief account. Most of us have experienced this, feeling the immediate pain and lasting effects from a hurtful comment, but the impact of a compliment seems to last only a moment.

By adulthood, the brain has become accustomed to accessing certain Belief Accounts and it naturally assumes things will keep moving the same way. Each experience walks into your Bank of Meaning and directly to the Belief account it is used to accessing. The experience assumes it knows which Belief accounts to use.

Oftentimes, it gets it wrong.

That means we can completely misinterpret a situation, depositing into the wrong Belief account and stirring up emotions and meaning based on the past, rather than the present.

These Belief Accounts operate without our awareness, silently guiding our interpretations.

Let’s look at two examples.

Sam and Timothy

When Sam came to see me for help with his anxiety, we discovered he had numerous childhood experiences of trying to navigate his mom’s anger, and he had a high balance at Sam's Bank of Beliefs in the account called "I need to fix the problems of others.”

Timothy came to see me for help with his depression. During his sessions, we uncovered numerous experiences of dismissal during his childhood, and he had a high balance at Timothy's Bank of Beliefs in the account called "I am worthless.” Although he had a few positive experiences, they weren’t enough to significantly raise the balance of his “I am loved” account.

As Sam and Timothy navigated life, they interpreted their life experiences through the lenses of their own accounts with the highest balances.

In the same week, both Sam and Timothy came to me with similar recent experiences, but very different interpretations. They had each been turned down for sex by their respective spouses. Sam became anxious, wondering if he had done something wrong and trying to figure out how to fix things with his wife. Timothy assumed his wife didn’t love him.

Neither were correct.

After working on some communication strategies, Sam discovered his wife was struggling with a comment that a friend recently made about her body. And Timothy learned the next morning after our session that his wife was really sick with a virus.

Without realizing it, both Sam and Timothy used past childhood experiences to interpret their present experiences.

What to do about it

Learning to interpret life experiences more accurately requires both self-awareness and healing of your past wounds. Dr. Charity Byers and Dr. John Walker call these past wounds “sore spots.” Next month, we’ll learn more about these as I dive into their book called “Unhindered.” I recently interviewed Charity, so you’ll get a sneak peek into why she wrote this book, what sore spots are, and how to overcome them.

For now, consider your Belief accounts with the highest balances. Where might you be misinterpreting life experiences? Where might you be judging situations based on the past, rather than the present?

The good news

While brain development does slow over time, it never stops while we are alive. Neuroplasticity is real! We can create new pathways and thus change how we interpret our life experiences, improving our mental health.

Next steps

If you need help, ask a trusted friend where they notice you struggling with negative beliefs. Work through the past hurts with a safe friend, small group, or therapist. Pray for healing over those past hurts and ask God to speak into the positive Belief Accounts that feel empty.

1: Stiles, Joan, and Terry L Jernigan. “The basics of brain development.” Neuropsychology review vol. 20,4 (2010): 327-48. doi:10.1007/s11065-010-9148-4

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Relationships contribute to our emotional well-being, but what happens when dependence overshadows autonomy? Codependency–a dynamic where both partners rely excessively on each other–can create patterns that feel impossible to break. How do you recognize it? And more importantly, what steps can you take toward healthier relationships?

Types of Codependency

In any codependent relationship, one or both partners may neglect other relationships and find it difficult to set or respect boundaries. However, many relationship dynamics depend on the role that each partner takes on.

Dependent-Dependent Relationships

In Dependent-Dependent Relationships, both partners rely heavily on the other in similar ways, looking to each other to determine how they think and feel about experiences. Both partners can be heard saying:

• “We need each other.”

• “We can’t live without each other.”

• “We tell each other what to do.”

• “Without each other, we’d both be lost.”

• “We are responsible for each other.”

• “We do everything together.”

• “We have a hard time doing things apart.

In these relationships, both partners struggle to move forward in life without input from the other partner. They rely on each for everything, especially with their emotions and their decisions. Partners in these highly dependent relationships have significant difficulty when not physically present with their partner.

Provider-Dependent Relationships

Other codependent relationships take on various roles, with one partner acting as the Provider and the other acting as the Dependent. Their assertiveness often impacts the power dynamics in the relationship. Here are two different relationship dynamics, and what each partner might say:

In these relationships, the power dynamic shifts to the more assertive partner, but neither partner displays healthy boundaries nor healthy levels of responsibility.

Regardless of the type of codependency involved, codependent relationships say: “We complete each other.”

Healthy Relationships

In healthy relationships, each partner carries their own emotional backpack, taking responsibility for themselves and letting the other partner maintain responsibility of their emotions and actions. They acknowledge when their actions impact others and actively work toward healing, while also maintaining boundaries around burdens that aren’t theirs.

Even in healthy relationships, partners may have different levels of assertiveness. The more assertive partner can learn to step back, while the less assertive partner works on speaking up for themselves and making decisions confidently. Both encourage each other's growth and understanding, giving grace and truth when necessary.

Partners in a healthy relationship say:

• “We could live without each other, but we don’t want to.”

• “I’d be fine on my own, but I’m so glad we have each other.”

• “We both make decisions. Sometimes it’s what I want, and sometimes it’s what they want.”

• “We have both made mistakes.”

• “I want both of us to be happy.”

Partners in healthy relationships maintain appropriate levels of both autonomy and dependency. Both partners are responsible for their emotions and actions, while choosing to submit to the needs and wants of their partner in ways that don’t sacrifice personal autonomy. Note that submission here is a choice, not a demand. In these relationships, both partners encourage and support each other. While they may come to rely on each other over time, they are able to maintain healthy boundaries around emotions and decisions.

Healthy relationships say: “We compliment each other.”

Steps Toward a Healthier Relationship

If you find yourself struggling in a codependent dynamic, try the following methods for improving the relationship:

• Communicate to your partner what you want.

• Provide space for both partners to have a voice and a say in decisions.

• Speak up about your needs and desires.

• Confront conflict, instead of avoiding it.

• Take responsibility for your own emotional health, while encouraging your partner to care for their emotional health.

• Read a book together, such as “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson.

• Read “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend, if you struggle with boundaries.

And, if necessary, seek therapeutic help. This is a great tool for helping individuals and couples to work through underlying issues that surface in relationships. In doing the work, you’ll find that increased self-awareness and internal healing lead to healthier ways of relating to others.

Building healthy relationships takes time, but each step toward mutual respect, personal responsibility, and shared understanding builds a relationship that is fulfilling for both partners.

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While some people have difficulties managing their own anger, some struggle to navigate the emotions of others. Many of these people experience anxiety and depression. They often carry negative beliefs that they are responsible for things that happen around them and that there is something wrong with them—or that they have done something wrong—when things don’t go well. In other words, they carry the burden of making sure others don’t become angry, and fixing the other person’s anger when it inevitably arrives.

In these cases, it’s important to recognize that our attempts to fix the other person’s anger are futile, unnecessary, and unhealthy.

It is not my responsibility to fix the emotions of others.

It is my responsibility to make sure I treat them kindly and fairly.

Kindness and Fairness: Defined by actions, not reactions

Kindness and fairness stem from our actions–not from others’ emotions. They show in our words and tone and facial expressions. Kindness and fairness are determined before the other person responds.

So, when a person is angry, the first question we ask ourselves is, “Did I do anything wrong?” Some of us instinctively assume we’ve done something wrong if the other person's reaction is negative. But would we feel the same way if their response had been different? The responses from others are informative but should not dictate the answer to this question.

An action is right or wrong before the response is ever given.

How to Handle Unjustified Anger

Anger that is unjustified is either unnecessary or too big given the situation. In these cases, we need to step back and let the person have their own anger. They may have unresolved frustrations—perhaps a bad day or a recent argument—or deeper anger they’ve carried for years. Regardless, none of these are our responsibility. If it’s a friend, ask them what’s going on. Let them know their response doesn’t seem appropriate and ask if something else is bothering them. This is a kind way of responding to someone’s unjustified anger.

How to Apologize (if needed)

If you truly did something wrong, own it and apologize. Apologize in proportion to the mistake–a big mistake needs a big apology; a small mistake needs a small apology. Only apologize for what you did wrong, not the whole picture. If you used a demeaning tone of voice but your message was appropriate, apologize for the tone of voice and repeat the message in an appropriate tone of voice. If you insulted someone in an argument that had several valid points, apologize for the insult.

Letting Go

If you didn’t do anything wrong, step back. Let them be angry. Our responsibility lies in treating others with respect—how they react is theirs alone.

Trying to manage someone else’s anger only fuels frustration. Practice releasing their emotions from your responsibility, while checking your own emotions and actions. Returning the focus to what you do—as opposed to how they respond—puts you on a path of peace and healthier relationships.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 (NIV) (emphasis mine)

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“I don’t need help! How dare you!” She stomped away. I stood frozen, my mind racing. What had I done? What had I said? All I did was offer to help with the food for the event.

Anger protects the angry and harms the bystander. It is a scary mask, pushing people away to hide the emotions underneath that we don’t want to deal with–usually deeper emotions of hurt, fear, shame or disappointment.

Hurt, Fear and Shame

People who react with anger due to hurt, fear or shame learned early in life that to show any of these deeper emotions only leads to more hurt. In some families, deeper emotions were viewed as signs of weakness and anger was the more accepted emotion. Expressing hurt, fear or shame may have been dangerous, inviting ridicule or criticism. Many people learn to use anger as a defense mechanism against additional pain. It’s the very reason we say “hurt people, hurt people”–or perhaps more accurately: “Hurt people who haven’t healed, hurt people.”

Also, we often respond with anger to situations that resemble past hurts. For example, a person repeatedly criticized as “dumb” as a child may react intensely to even a slight suggestion of incompetence as an adult. Consider my friend’s response in the opening story: I later discovered she had been harshly criticized for her cooking in the past. When I offered to help, it felt like another attack on her abilities.

The bigger the reaction to a hurt (especially if the reaction is out of proportion), the more likely it resembles a past hurt that needs some healing. Pay attention–your reactions are trying to tell you something.

Disappointment

More often than not, anger is a mask for disappointment–and unfortunately, disappointment is everywhere. Perhaps someone spilled their coffee, forgot to use a discount code when making a purchase, their computer crashed suddenly, their finances are not as strong as they hoped, their child didn’t do well on a test, someone cut them off on the road, someone cut them off in conversation, or they got caught speeding. If you look closely at circumstances when someone is angry, you’ll often find disappointment just beneath the surface.

When we don’t learn how to handle disappointment, anger takes over. We project it onto others, hoping to gain a sense of control when life feels uncontrollable. We use anger to get what we want when we can’t get it through other means.

Necessary Anger

At times, anger is the necessary and appropriate response. Anger can be protective when a life is threatened, or an emotion that leads to action. For instance, it can cause someone to speak up in appropriate defense, to remove themselves from a dangerous situation, or to make changes in their life so they don't arrive in the same harmful sitaution again. Bigger offenses require bigger anger (if someone threatens my child's life, mama bear should come out), smaller offenses require smaller anger (if someone criticizes me unfairly, I should speak against the criticism). It's important to match the level of anger to the severity of the situation.

However, for some, anger is always the response and bigger than the situation warrants, which is a sign it is being used inappropriately. Over time, anger can become a powerful and destructive habit. If we don’t address our hurt, fear, shame and disappointment, these emotions simmer beneath the surface until anger boils over–hurting the people closest to us.

Instead, we can acknowledge that hurt, fear, shame and disappointment are normal parts of life and learn coping skills to manage our anger when it arises.

Tips for managing anger (in the moment):

Recognize, Release, Refocus

Anger tends to circle in our minds, replaying and intensifying. This gives it space to fester and grow. By addressing it, we allow it to float away like a log down the river, freeing our minds for clarity and peace.

The next time anger arises:

1. Recognize the deeper emotion(s)

“I’m disappointed and hurt because that person wasn’t paying attention and they bumped into me and I dropped my phone.”

2. Release the event

“The moment has passed. I can’t do anything about it now, I can only choose how I move forward.”

3. Refocus on something positive

“I’m excited to see my son play in his soccer game tonight”

Everyone gets hurt. Everyone experiences fear and shame. Disappointment arrives with daily unmet expectations. Look for common triggers of anger (usually related to past hurts) and consider processing these with a therapist or a safe person. Recognize, Release and Refocus your thoughts when anger surfaces.

Over time, as you heal old wounds and build new habits, anger shows up less frequently and with less power. Your shoulders lighten, your relationships improve, and life feels more manageable.

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Analise* told me she didn’t need anyone in her life. She had isolated herself at home, only leaving when absolutely necessary. When I asked what she wanted to work on in therapy, she said, “I need help overcoming my depression and anxiety.” We worked on processing past hurts and developing coping skills, but I knew this could only take her so far. Even with introspection, prolonged isolation often provokes symptoms of depression and anxiety.

We all remember the effects of the COVID-19 quarantines.

We were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26a), who is relational in nature and designed us to be in relationship–with him and with others. Our brains and bodies thrive in relationships and decline without them. Dr. Daniel Siegel, internationally renowned child psychiatrist, provides extensive evidence that relationships are vital for healthy brain functioning and emotional wellness (1). Without personal interactions, we struggle to find a sense of purpose, which correlates with higher anxiety and depression rates (2). Conversely, studies show that increasing personal interactions improves our sense of purpose (3).

Last month, we discussed the importance of self-awareness and how it gives us the insight necessary for emotional healing. While self-awareness opens the door, it is not enough to complete the journey. Adult relationships can create new neural connections required for emotional healing, even if a person has negative childhood experiences (4). Relationships are crucial to both the healing process and ongoing emotional health.

One study revealed that a person’s sense of self improves more significantly through interactions with others than through self-reflective methods, such as journaling (5). It’s not to say that journaling isn’t helpful, but it does point to the importance of human interactions, even in creating our individual identity. To gain a better sense of who we are, we need to engage with God and with others.

For Analise, this meant putting in the work both in and out of therapy. In therapy, she processed relational hurts from her past, identified unhealthy relationship patterns, and learned new relationship skills. She needed to recognize her anger and disappointment as her own, and let go of responsibility for others’ emotions.

Simultaneously, she used her newfound relationship skills outside of therapy. She began having small conversations with a neighbor whom she felt she could trust. She used conflict resolution skills in a work situation. Over time, she connected with more people and grew her circle of friends. The combination of therapeutic processing and out-of-therapy connections helped her to overcome her symptoms of depression and anxiety, and build a more meaningful life.

One way to work on building healthy relationships is to start with an assessment of your current relationships. You can do this through an exercise called Circles of Connections.

Draw three concentric circles on a page: the smallest circle in the center (about an inch wide), a medium-sized circle that fills half the page, and a large circle containing most of the space.

Write your name in the smallest circle.

In the medium circle, write names of people closest to you.

In the large circle, write the names of acquaintances.

In the space outside of the large circle, write names of contacts who you know, but not well.

The medium circle should only contain a few names. You can’t have too many people closest to you, but you do need some people in that space. If the space is too full, consider prioritizing some relationships over others. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. Who might you need to step back from? Who might make a better acquaintance than a close friend? If the space looks empty, consider people in the larger circle who you can bring into this space. Who can you spend more time with? Who might make a better friend than an acquaintance?

Our circles of connections are constantly changing. In the face of a significant life event (e.g. death of a loved one, trauma, etc.), these circles can shift dramatically. Look for those you trust and reach out. Meet someone for tea or coffee. Perhaps you realize the relationship is fine just as it is. Or, you might connect and find the need for stronger boundaries, or you might realize the relationship has potential to grow.

Relationships are vital for emotional and spiritual health. Take some time and reflect on your relationships. Is there someone you would like to connect with this week? Give it a chance! Then, reassess your Circles of Connections in a few months. You may find that positive relationship changes are possible in your life.

*Fictitious client with a plausible story

(1) Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind, 3rd ed. (New York: The Guildford Press, 2020).

(2) Ian D. Boreham and Nicola S. Schutte, “The Relationship Between Purpose in Life and Depression and Anxiety: A Meta‐analysis,” Journal of Clinical Psychology 79, no. 12 (August 12, 2023): 2736–67, https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23576.

(3) Gabrielle N Pfund et al., “Being Social May Be Purposeful in Older Adulthood: A Measurement Burst Design,” American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry 30, no. 7 (November 23, 2021): 777–86, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jagp.2021.11.009.

(4) Siegel, The Developing Mind, 362.

(5) Namkje Koudenburg et al., “The Social Grounds of Personal Self: Interactions That Build a Sense of ‘We’ Help Clarify Who ‘I’ Am,” European Journal of Social Psychology 54, no. 6 (May 6, 2024): 1153–67, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.3070.

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